Mediation In One Sentence

Sometimes good ideas get caught up in much verbige. So much has been written about mediation, that core ideas sometimes get lost. I have a suggesion therefore; if you are considering mediation, re-read (or read) “Getting to Yes”. Mediation helps a party see the difference between their statd position and their actual need. All the rest is truly commentary. There is a saying to the effect “Be careful about what you pray for; you may get it.” We do not always know what we want until the trained mediator helps us sort out our thoughts. We need to get to “yes”. The rest is commmentary. Mediation works. Avoid it at your peril.

Filed under: Divorce mediation, Family Mediation, Mediation, Negotiation , Mediation, "Getting to Yes", needs, positions, prayer

Balloon Boy

The dad of Balloon Boy seems to be in legal “hot water” as his son blurted out the contours of the balloon hoax.  What does this teach us?  That children often suffer due to misdirected parental actions.

Few of us will prepetrate a hoax or a fraud.  However, when we divorce do we think of the impact of our actions on our children?  Litigation will make their lives quite difficult and even traumatic.  Is there an alternative option?  There is and it is called mediation.  Try it.  Mediation works.

Filed under: Divorce mediation, Family Mediation, Mediation, Negotiation , Balloon Boy, Divorce, hoax, Mediation

Children and Divorce

Children need special attention when a divorce is taking place.  It would be ideal if the Mother and Father can jointly talk to them about the impending divorce and reassure them.  At the very least, each parent should communicate to the children that the parent-child relationship will not be affected by the divorce.  Some mediators help the parents draft a letter for their children so there will be a record that the child can refer to when reassurance in needed.

It is important that communication take place.  The exact nature of such communication is really unable to be “scripted” as each situation brings with it its unique challenges.  In light of recent studies that confirm the long-range harm felt by children of divorce, this communication will be of great comfort to the children who may feel victimized by the divorce proceeding.

Filed under: Divorce mediation, Family Mediation, Mediation, Negotiation , children and divorce, Mediation

Positions V. Needs

The recent Chicago Olympics bid is a textbook example of the clash between positions and needs.  The position of Chicago was that it would benefit from the Olympic selection.  Apparently, influential Chicagoans convinced President Obama to invest his prestige in pursuing this possibility by going to Copenhagen.  The U.S. lost prestige, likely, by having its President pursue this “windmill”.  In point of fact, it is likely in America’s interest to see a new country host these games.  Thus the position of the U.S. was not in sync with its need.  A mediator can help a party distinguish between stated positions and actual needs.  The loss of prestige to this administration was hardly worth the effort.  Let this be a reminder to those engaged in high-stakes negotiations! No how to separate your position from your need.

Filed under: Divorce mediation, Family Mediation, Mediation, Negotiation , Chicago, Mediation, Negotiation, Olympics, President Obama

Iran, Bombs, and You

It is quite unlikely that Iran’s atomic challenge will ever be brought for (international) mediation.  When is something ripe for mediation?  Mediation works best when both parties have something to gain by good-faith negotiation.  It is effective too when both parties need to continue in some form of a relationship (think of parents of a child(ren) who will always be co-parents.)  Finally, mediation works when each party makes the cost-benefit analysis and realizes that strife will bring much less positive resolution than will communication and good-faith dealing.

None of the above reasons in favor of mediation pertain to Iran.  For all non-Iranian entities, mediation is the best option that can be undertaken. Make the wise choice. Mediate don’t litigate

Filed under: Divorce mediation, Family Mediation, Mediation, Negotiation , atomic program, Iran, Mediation, parents

The Mediation Dilemma

As a practitioner of divorce mediator, I am often curious why more marriages are not mediated. The word from mental health practitioners I get often is grim. People seemingly prefer vindictiveness when they leave their marriages. If this is so, I have a simple proposal. If you are the type who prefers a “pound of flesh”, ignore mediation possibilities. Why bother with something so decent, civil, and productive? For all others, read about mediation and consider mediation as an option for your divorce settlement. You will not be disappointed.

Filed under: Divorce mediation, Family Mediation, Mediation, Negotiation , "pound of flesh", Divorce, Mediation, revenge

A Short Question

If you are undergoing divorce and considering how to proceed ask yourself just one question: “How do I need to act if I want my children to be proud of me?” Then decide whether you wish to litigate or mediate. You will make the right decision.

Filed under: Divorce mediation, Family Mediation, Mediation, Negotiation , children, Divorce, Mediation, Short Question

The Art of Listening

Summer is coming to a close. Labor Day is a reminder of this.  Summer has its own sounds; the sounds of birds, children playing, ice cream trucks, etc. We spend so much time in listening to verbal cues from outside ourselves.  The good mediator must do the same.  A good mediator listens a good deal more than s/he speaks.  We learn more from listening than talking. 

The mediator knows how to listen.  More importantly, she teaches by example how others should listen.  The skills you will pick up by attending mediations, will serve you well in your future.  Mediate don’t litigate.  The art of listening will always trump the art of talking.  This is how you will arrive at what we all desire–Win-Win.

Filed under: Divorce mediation, Family Mediation, Mediation, Negotiation , Labor Day, listening, Mediation, Summer

The Albatross

Many have commented that Senator Ted Kennedy’s life changed for the better when he lost his bid for the presidency.  Senator Kennedy in 1980 apparently used his defeat to dedicate his efforts to being the best Senator he could be.  The success came in the wake of political defeat.

In divorce mediation, the parties see each other as vulnerable personalities.  Neither side needs to gloat or appear triumphant.  Napolean once stated that opportunity knocks many times, but it sometimes appears disguised as adversity.  Divorce is painful and demoralizing.  Divorce mediation can help the parties view this challenge as a challenge that need not mark the end of one’s creative and productive self.  When we are challenges, as was Senator Kennedy, we can fold our tent and lament our fate.  As Senator McCain once said: “There is little upside to feeling sorry for yourself.”  A greater step is taken when we question “What do I do now, with the rest of my life.” If mediation only accomplishes this one event, it will be of untold significance and import.

Filed under: Divorce mediation, Family Mediation, Mediation, Negotiation , Senator Kennedy, Senator McCain, albatross, Napolean

Civility Trumps All

In the past month, Mark Sanford was big news and then old news. Sarah Palin is still news today, but by next month who knows? We have the capacity to get bored with the old as we crave new news all the time.

Marriages likely fail for similar reasons. Commitments and marriages are no longer forever. The question for divorcing couples is how does one proceed with the dissolution of ar elationship?

Hurts, disappointments and seared feelings will eventually heal. Man is quite adaptable. However, the question to ask is how would you choose to end a relationship that started with such promise. The only constant in your life is, hopefully, your good name and your integrity. Ask yourself whether mediation or litigation is more civil. Once you answered that question, your next move will be self-evident. Mark Sanford may be old news. Your relationship may soon, unfortunately ,be old news. What is not old news is your need for self-respect and integrity. Your choices will be with you for the rest of your life. Choose wise and act decently. You will never regret it

Filed under: Divorce mediation, Family Mediation, Mediation, Negotiation , civility, Divorce mediation, Mark Sanford, Sarah Palin