Whither the White House?

Politico.com stated that the Democrats are confused by the White House message on Health Care legislation. Is it on hold? Full steam ahead? Jobs come first? There is no coherent and consistent message that the White House is transmitting.

In any negotiation multiple issues confuse the proceedings. More to the point is the fact that messages need to be clearly stated and re-stated. The late Sen. Adlai Stevenson once commented that he made his points on three separate occasions; “First I tell them what I am going to say; then I say it; then I tell the people what I just said.”  A negotiation is likely to failure in the absence of clarity and effective emphasis and re-emphasis.

A skilled negotiator will ensure that issues are clearly discussed and the parties know what their opposing party’s position happens to be. The mediator is a type of “conductor” who ensures that the conversation is based on both civility and a directed purpose. This will not occur, between the parties, in litigation.  mediate don’t litigate. It will accomplish your ultimate goals, even if you are not trying to push a Health Care bill across.

Filed under: Divorce mediation, Family Mediation, Mediation, Negotiation , mediator, Mediation, Negotiation, Health Care, White House

Me First

An op-ed column by Gail Collins,  in the NY Times, lamented the fact that “Me-First” is still a common refrain in America, and the President has been unable to change that? As proof of that, the column cites the New York City opposition to having the 9/11 terrorist trial in NYC. (See my posting on this topic at www.NJMediator. WordPress.com).  Is “Me-First” the motto that will doom American society? I think not.

It is natural, and wise, to think of your own interests first. Hillel, the Talmudic sage, summed it up well: “If I am not for myself, who is for me?”. The problem we need to negotiate is that the other party is thinking the same “Me First” as we are and our differences have to be negotiated.

How does one negotiate this in a divorce proceeding? A trained mediator can get the “warring” parties to focus on the need to get to “Win-Win” where there is something for everybody. Win-Win trumps even the cry of “Me First”. How to get there is the task of the mediator. This can, and does, happen frequently. Divorce Mediation is a civil and affordable way of resolving issues in a divorce matter. Mediation. Try it. It works.

Filed under: Divorce mediation, Family Mediation, Mediation, Negotiation , Mediation, NYC, "Win-Win", NY Times, Gail Collins, Me First, Hillel

Whither Health Care?

There were many post-mortems that followed the surprise victory of Senator-elect Scott Brown. There was even criticism coming from the President’s own party and fellow pols.  One frequent refrain was that the President had failed to lead on Health Care and explain why it was important to him. It is not enough to believer in a cause; you need to explain your passion if you expect others to follow your lead.

Litigation offers little (i.e. no) opportunity to explain your position. It is a question of using force against force.  In mediation, a party has the time and platform by which they can lay out their position.  You can explain why something is desired or important. Does this automatically change minds? Even the strongest of mediation’s proponents would answer in the negative.  However, such conversation leads to understanding.  Understanding in turn leads to civility.  It makes new possibilities emerge and become attainable.

Mediation is not without its shortcomings but it is the best way to achieve Win-Win.  Communication and dialogue will always trump force when people of good will are involved.  It opens minds as it opens new possibilities. Mediate don’t litigate.

Filed under: Divorce mediation, Family Mediation, Mediation, Negotiation , "Win-Win", Health Care, Mediation, President Obama

Will 2010 Be Year of Democratic Defeat?

An article appeared today in which several Democrats lamented the fact that the Health Care debate was taking too long.  Many voters are more interested in hearing discussions about jobs and the economy.  The lesson? You need to gauge the attention span of your audience and not overtax their patience.  The Massachusetts senate race might be a classic example of this. The Democrats may have overestimated how important the Kennedy legacy is to its state voters.

A good mediator must get a sense of how long sessions should last, when it is time to change topics, and when to move on to new areas of discussion. A good mediator can make the sessions productive and fast-paced. Or they can make matters quickly unravel.  The role of the mediator in being the “traffic cop” cannot be underestimated. A good mediator will safely transport the parties to some form of Win-Win.  Choose mediation and then choose your mediation wisely.  Mediation does work but the maestro still needs to be the mediator. Consider this choice in a deliberate manner.

Filed under: Divorce mediation, Family Mediation, Mediation, Negotiation , democratic party, economy, Health Care, Massachusetts, Mediation, Senate

Is Health Care Discussion Transparent?

C-Span will not easily let President Obama forget about his promises to make Health Care debate open and “transparent”. The question is why the reluctance? We can only surmise that the Congressional discussions might be akin to “watching sausage being made” and the Democrats would prefer not to showcase the inevitable “horse-swapping” and “deal-making” that will occur in the context of this reform.

What else is rarely transparent? I would suggest that Divorce proceedings fall into this category.  As gruesome as litigation might be, it does not show the agony caused by depositions, interrogatories and countless motions.  Like sausage being made? To quote Sarak Palin : “You betcha”. Is there is a solution? There is and it is called divorce mediation.  Try it; it works.

Filed under: Divorce mediation, Family Mediation, Mediation, Negotiation , Divorce, Divorce mediation, Health Care, President Obama, Sarah Palin, trials

Season’s Greetings

A controversy of sorts had broken out a few years ago as to what greeting stores should employ in December.  My own feeling is “Who cares?”.  The important thing is that we respect each other’s cultures and sensitivities and be guided accordingly. We should not place form over substance.

A couple getting divorced may have different values, religions, goals, etc for their children.  Mediation is one way to ensure that respect for these views will be maintained.  Discussions can center around holiday protocol, religious education, etc. Mediation works because it is people-oriented.  Children have a right to a happy and productive life.  Mediation will help in this regard.  Mediate don’t litigate.  Your children will thank you.

Filed under: Divorce mediation, Family Mediation, Mediation, Negotiation , Christmas, Holidays, Mediation, Season's Greetings

Senator Joe Lieberman:Hero or Villain?

More than 80% of the Democrats wish he were reprimanded, Right-wing talk glorifies him, and the nervous nation wonders what has he wrought re Health Care.  Whatever you think of Sen. Lieberman, we can all recognize that no one is without detractors and supporters.  Ultimately we need to do what we think is right and let the chips fall where they may.

In divorce it is tempting to find the “good party” and the “bad party”.  In litigation, this search for villains may have some place.  Mediation states its truth differently; each party is right on some counts and wrong on “others”.  The way to get to Win-Win is to allow conversation between the parties to flow naturally via a trained mediator. The parties need to look for shared interests and outcomes.  It is not a dream.  This occurs daily in hundreds of sitations.  We are neither sinners nor saints; just something in between.

If you are getting divorced, you have one best chance to obtain a satisfying result.  It is through the process of mediation.  Mediate don’t litigate.  You will not regret this civil option.  It works.

Filed under: Divorce mediation, Family Mediation, Mediation, Negotiation , "Win-Win", Health Care, Joe Lieberman, Mediation

When is Divorce a Good Idea?

Mrs. Tiger Woods is reported to have said she will not be divorcing her wayward husband because she grew up in a divorced household.  She is therefore against divorce.  Most religions and societies believe that divorce is appropriate at times.  When marriage vows are broken, divorce is certainly a proper consideration. A good divorce is better than a bad marriage.  Being married is not a panacea; it should not be considered as an option just because divorce is “bad” or distasteful.

A mediator can help parties sort through their emotions.  On occasions, I have suggested a couple end their mediation and consider going for professional help or guidance.  This is yet another service that can be provided by mediators but not by litigators. A mediator who can get discussion going on such a topic is of invaluable worth to a couple in flux. 

Good luck Mrs. Woods.

Filed under: Divorce mediation, Family Mediation, Mediation, Negotiation , marital therapy, Mediation, Tiger Woods

Gay Marriage

New York just voted down a plan to approve gay marriage.  Many other states have acted similarly.  What is newsworthy is that the NY Legislature, often referred to as dysfunctional (I think some readers by now may believe that the offcial name for this body is “the dysfunctional New York legislature”) actually debated the issue and politicians actually asked to be heard on the issue.

The results were disappointing to proponents of gay marriage.  But at the very least the politicians spoke to the issues and took the matter seriously.  People talking to one another is never a bad idea.  Discussion creates respect and is most humane and decent.

In mediation, parties going through a divorce, or commercial dispute, actually speak.  They create a begrudging civility and even respect.  The alternative to such communication has little to show for its efforts.  Mediation truly works.  we are human by our power to speak.  mediation assures that such conversation will be conducted with civility and integrity.  Try it. It works.

Filed under: Divorce mediation, Family Mediation, Mediation, Negotiation , Gay marriage, Mediation, NY Legislature

Mediation and Hope

A recent op-ed piece in the NY Times asks whether Wall Street can hold out hope for the future. Hope is what makes life so interesting. I believe hope is the reasonable expectation that things will improve. Bad things will become good and good things will get better.

A person going through a bitter divorce proceeding has little reason to be hopeful. Litigation and confrontation weigh one down with existential burdens. The only process that I believe can engender hope is that of mediation.
Where does the hope come from in mediation? There is the hope that differences will be resolved peacefully. There is the hope that the children will have reduced psychic harm from their parents’ divorce. In addition, there is the hope that the communication between spouses, attained in mediation, will ensure that the period of battling will not bring future lawsuits, confrontations, and harm. Hope lies eternal we are told. Mediation works. It is worth the effort.

Filed under: Divorce mediation, Family Mediation, Mediation, Negotiation , "Win-Win", Hope, Mediation, NY Times